There are two states we can be in – either stressed or relaxed. Conflict occurs in relationships when the stress response of one or both partners is activated.

Back in the day when our stress response evolved, our triggers were usually life threatening – lions, tigers and bears. (Oh my!) When the stress response activated all the available energy went into our arms and legs so we could fight the danger or run as fast as we possibly could away from it (we’ve all heard about the flight and fright response).

Have you ever wondered why you struggle so much to break that awful habit? Why you can’t change that behaviour that obviously isn’t working for you? Humans are pretty smart creatures, so why do we continue doing the ‘wrong’ thing, when we know it’s just that – wrong?

Why does a guy grab a gun and hold up the local quickie mart, promising himself that it’s the last time? Why am I sitting here eating spearmint ice-cream that I don’t even like the taste of?

The answer lies with our Core Needs.

There are 6 needs that every human has. The role of the unconscious is to satisfy these needs no matter what, even if we’re not aware of how we’re doing it. They are:

In 1995 Gary Chapman wrote a ground-breaking book called “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts”. Since then, it has sold over 10 million copies worldwide. Although I’m going to explore his ideas here, I encourage you to go out and read it for yourself or download the audiobook if you haven’t already done so to gain an even deeper understanding of his invaluable insights.

I have many tools in my toolbox. I use EFT Tapping, Hypnosis, NLP and Life Coaching. I teach my clients certain strategies. I educate them on Love Languages, Core Needs, Behavioural types. But none of this means anything without the Safe Space I create for my clients. Sometimes couples come in, and given the safe space that’s created, share things that have been on their mind for years, gaining a deeper understanding of one another almost immediately, shifting their perspective and therefore making dramatic shifts in just one session.

One of the first blogs I ever wrote (back in 2018 or so) was entitled ‘Polarity’ and explored the differences between masculine and feminine energy. Since then I have done a lot of research and worked closely with my clients on the topic. So I’m writing updating the blog now to share my deeper understandings.

It’s the similarities in a relationship that make it work. However, it’s the differences that ignite the passion. Two people in a relationship are like magnets. They can

When we think of the key contributors to relationship breakdown we think poor communication, lack of intimacy, unshared values and interests and constant fighting. My clients often list at least a few of these, if not more and wonder where on earth they’re going to start fixing it all.

You might be surprised to hear that the solution to pretty much all relationship issues is the same thing. Which is lucky for me as a relationship coach because I only have to focus on one thing, and the rest tends to take care of itself.

What is this ONE thing you ask?

This month I’ve been teaching you about STRESS. So far, I’ve covered what stress looks like to help you get real about the stress in your life. And now I’m going to introduce you to the most effective tool I know for releasing stress from you body.

Although EFT Tapping is a relatively new tool (having come into prominence in the 1990s), it’s roots go back to ancient Chinese medicine, using some of the points used in acupuncture.

I know what it’s like to be stressed. I’ve experienced the sleepless nights. The feelings of complete and utter overwhelm. The heart palpitations, the tightening of the chest. The incessant negative self-talk. I’ve even dipped in and out of depression from time to time. I’ve been unable to manage my anger and my anxiety about what might or might not happen.

As explored previously, conflict is caused by a number of underlying factors. Once we learn what these factors are, and deepen our understanding of them, we are able to see a potential conflict building and do something about it before it occurs. But in order to do that, you must first adopt the principles of healthy relationships. The first of these principles is that you must give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Understand that your partner experiences life from a different point of view than you and therefore may feel differently about certain things. Trust that they are always doing their best for the relationship. With this attitude, when a conflict may have arisen in the past, now you will seek to understand your partner more deeply.

It’s no secret that most couples fight. And if they’re not verbally arguing, they’re withdrawn and disconnected from one another. And if a couple can’t find ways to resolve the conflict, not only does the resentment build but the love begins to fade and so does the trust. However, once you learn how to effectively resolve conflict, you will not only be fighting less (or not at all) and keeping the peace, you’re going to naturally develop deeper levels of connection, intimacy and trust.