I have many tools in my toolbox. I use EFT Tapping, Hypnosis, NLP and Life Coaching. I teach my clients certain strategies. I educate them on Love Languages, Core Needs, Behavioural types. But none of this means anything without the Safe Space I create for my clients. Sometimes couples come in, and given the safe space that’s created, share things that have been on their mind for years, gaining a deeper understanding of one another almost immediately, shifting their perspective and therefore making dramatic shifts in just one session.
Creating a ‘Safe Space’ is crucial to enabling the sorts of conversations that lead to better communication, a greater understanding of one another and deeper levels of intimacy. We can share our concerns more easily, feel as though our grief is held and supported and get creative around building a life together. The healthiest of relationships live in a safe space all the time.
In order to understand how to create a safe space, it’s critical to understand and identify what’s preventing this space from existing in the first place. It comes back to the autonomic nervous system and its perception of danger. If the mind believes it’s in danger, it will activate the fight/flight response. The fight response will result in the person going into defensive mode, where they’re unable to let in new ideas and understandings, and fight to be right. The flight response will result in withdrawal, either physically removing themselves from the situation or just withdrawing emotionally, becoming passively aggressive. In either of these two states, constructive conversation cannot be had. And unfortunately, it’s more often than not the conversations that will strengthen a relationship (if they’re had) that trigger such a response.
Examples of such conversations include discussion of strengths and weaknesses of each partner and the relationship, expectations of the relationship, hopes and dreams for the relationship, what makes each of you feel unsafe in the relationship, ways in which you’ve hurt each other, things you wish to be acknowledged or appreciated for, ways in which you feel taken for granted, ways you’ve let each other down, personal fears, self-doubts, griefs, and of course sex.
As you read that list you no doubt can see how such conversations can on one hand strengthen a relationship once had, yet on the other, trigger the stress response.
If you are wanting to have these conversations without being triggered it’s important to create a safe space, where triggering can’t occur. So how does one go about doing such a thing?
Given that a feeling of danger is triggered inside the mind, it is also within the mind that we create a feeling of safety. Remember, there’s two people involved here. Sometimes they are both feeling vulnerable and need to prevent themselves from shutting down emotionally and trust their partner. Sometimes it’s just one of them that feels vulnerable and it is up to the other partner to support them.
For the support partner, you must strive to create the following mindset:
- Non-judgemental
- Compassionate and comforting
- Really listen and see the situation from your partner’s perspective
- If you cannot understand where your partner is coming from, at least accept that this is their reality
- Trust that your partner is doing the best that they can
- We are a team facing this challenge together
- Protect your partner
- Set aside your ego
- Reassure your partner of the love you have for them in the way they need it and that everything will be fine
- Allow your partner to express themselves before offering a solution
For the partner or partners that are feeling vulnerable, you must strive to create the following mindset:
- Trust your partner to hold the space for you
- Allow yourself to be vulnerable, knowing you are safe with your partner and that it will all be over soon
- Be open and honest about how you are feeling
- Be open to a solution, listening to any advice from your partner
- Set aside your ego
If either one of you becomes triggered through the conversation and the space in unable to be held, take your own space and calm down before coming back together and just work through the conversation at your own pace. You will get there if you are committed to progress.
If you are able to share this insight with your partner, you will be able to create this safe space together and if one of you has something to discuss, you can almost ritualistically create this space, by setting aside a time to have this conversation and connecting to one another prior to the conversation, either through a hug, looking in one another’s eyes or through words such as “it’s okay” or “I love you”.
If you don’t feel comfortable enough to share this information with your partner, use it for yourself when you notice your partner is in a vulnerable place. Rather than withdrawing from them, or getting defensive, create the mindset above for a supportive partner. Although they may not respond initially, if you keep it up, over time they will begin to feel safe and eventually open up to you. And with more time, you can then teach them to provide the same safe space for you.
Once you truly understand the value of a safe space and have committed to using it frequently and experienced its benefits, you will find that your relationship begins to live in a safe space more often than not.
Some things to think about it:
- What is it that prevents you from feeling safe with your partner? Is it a fear inside you, or are they not making you feel safe?
- If you could feel safe to say anything to your partner, what would you say?
- Which of the above mindsets do you find most challenging?
If you need help implementing the above mindset and feeling safe in your relationship, please contact me directly for support.