In 1995 Gary Chapman wrote a ground-breaking book called “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts”. Since then, it has sold over 10 million copies worldwide. Although I’m going to explore his ideas here, I encourage you to go out and read it for yourself or download the audiobook if you haven’t already done so to gain an even deeper understanding of his invaluable insights.
The 5 Love Languages take a look at the ways in which people both express and understand love. In many circumstances people in relationships, whether they are spouses, parents and children, family or simply friends aren’t using the same language to express their love for one another. This can lead to doubt about the relationship, misunderstandings and a lack of trust, where there really is no need for it. Once we can understand and communicate in the other person’s language this enables the people in the relationship to get the most out of it.
When someone feels completely loved, with no doubt, this enables them to:
- Take responsibility for themselves
- More successfully achieve their goals
- Take initiative
- Have increased confidence and self-esteem
- Be more resilient
- Self-motivate
- Avoid attention seeking behaviour
- Avoid resentment, guilt, fear and insecurity
What the Love Languages Are
Quite simply, the 5 Love Languages are:
- Words of affirmation
- Acts of service
- Receiving gifts
- Quality time
- Physical touch
Now before I go on, please remember, all of us respond to all of the love languages to some degree, so we must practise using them all, although one will be particularly sensitive for each person.
Words of affirmation not just include saying ‘I love you’, although this of course is invaluable. It incorporates all the genuine and meaningful words you use to express your love for another and why you love them. For example, rather than saying “Thanks for helping”, saying “Thank you so much for helping me in the garden today, it saved me loads of time and energy. I’m really impressed with how much effort you put in. It shows me that you’re really thoughtful and caring and I just love that about you.” Your partner will really feel heard, understood, appreciated and loved.
Acts of service are all those little things you can do to help your partner – cooking meals, washing clothes, domestic duties, fixing things and so on. As a parent it is obviously important to encourage independence in your child. However, for children with a preference for acts of service, it’s really important to do things for them often simply out of love and with pleasure.
Receiving gifts is pretty self-explanatory and something most of us can understand very easily. With this love language though you have to be really careful that the gift doesn’t get linked to positive (like a thank you) or even negative behaviour (please forgive me or I forgive you). It must simply be a ‘just because I love you’ gift. If your partner responds positively to gifts, don’t despair, it doesn’t mean you have to spend a mountain of money on them. They love anything that just shows them you’re thinking of them, especially when you are apart. It could be a postcard sent when you’re away, a simple souvenir or something for which you can say “I saw this and thought of you”.
Quality time can be one of the most challenging love languages to express, particularly for busy families. It requires you to set some time aside to spend with your spouse one on one focussing on something they enjoy doing. Quality time does not include helping each other with the washing up or the vacuuming, or running errands together. It’s an activity you do together through which you can really connect and learn to understand each other even more. Commit to scheduling regular date nights, which are organised by the partner whose love language isn’t time. This is really important, because otherwise it’s like a gift that they buy themselves with money you gave them. Mobiles must be switched off during this quality time between you and your treasure.
When we think of Physical touch as a love language, many think of it in a sexual way… For adults whose love language is physical touch, this isn’t confined to that sort of touch. It’s holding hands, massage, a simple stroke of the back as you pass them in the hallway.
Things to think about
· If you or your partner’s love language isn’t obvious, try testing them. Use each one predominantly for a week or two and see what happens. Which one changes yours or your partner’s behaviour for the better most effectively? Which one makes you them feel the best?
· Identify the love language for each of you