Have you ever wondered why you struggle so much to break that awful habit? Why you can’t change that behaviour that obviously isn’t working for you? Humans are pretty smart creatures, so why do we continue doing the ‘wrong’ thing, when we know it’s just that – wrong?
Why does a guy grab a gun and hold up the local quickie mart, promising himself that it’s the last time? Why am I sitting here eating spearmint ice-cream that I don’t even like the taste of?
The answer lies with our Core Needs.
There are 6 needs that every human has. The role of the unconscious is to satisfy these needs no matter what, even if we’re not aware of how we’re doing it. They are:
1. Certainty (comfort, safety, stability, security, protection)
2. Uncertainty (variety, adventure, fun, fear, change, entertainment, surprise, crisis, drama)
3. Significance (pride, importance, standards, achievement, performance, perfection, discipline, competition)
4. Love and connection (insignificance, passion, unity, warmth, tenderness, desire, togetherness)
5. Growth
6. Contribution
The first four needs are needs of the personality. Individuals will stop at nothing to satisfy these needs whether they’re aware of it or not. Growth and contribution are spiritual needs.
By becoming aware of them consciously, we can control the way we satisfy them in a positive, resourceful and sustainable manner, rather than negatively, un-resourcefully and unsustainably.
Everyone has one or two personality needs that drive them more than the others. By identifying our primary core needs, we become empowered to find ways to satisfy our needs – in balance. By the same token, understanding the needs of others, especially our loved ones, gives us the opportunity to assist in satisfying them.
Your needs will change as you move through the life stages. For example, a woman may require more stability once she has a child and desires less variety.
Certainty
We all need certainty in our lives. Some people attain this certainty through minimising change in their lives, earning a lot of money, owning their own home, staying in the same job. How we get that certainty determines the quality of our lives. Some people, in their search for certainty control others or their environment, don’t trust others or refuse help. The more certainty we seek outside of ourselves the less risks we take, so the less growth and connection we experience, and the more uncertain and fearful we become. A more positive way to seek security is to believe in yourself. The more we take responsibility for our own sense of certainty, the greater our feelings of love and connection and the more growth we’ll be willing to experience, the greater our sense of self-worth will be.
Our ability to handle uncertainty around us is proportionate to how much success we experience because the more uncertainty we can deal with, and still move forwards, the better off we are.
Uncertainty
The flip side of this is our need for variety or adventure. So, whilst we need some level of certainty to function, we also need some level of variety. If things are too predictable for too long, we get bored, so we spice things up to feel variety.
How we do this tells us a lot about the quality of our lives. If things are cruising along, for example, in a relationship, and we’re ‘settled’, do we stir things up by picking a fight? Or do we stir things up by doing something spontaneous and romantic? Both create variety, but the first response is going to create a lower quality of life and the second choice can improve our quality of life. One response is functional and resourceful. One response is unresourceful.
Some people don’t want too much variety, and if they get it, they retreat and close down and become ineffective. Some people respond to too much variety by becoming a ‘control freak’ to get things back under control. Some people run away. Some people relish the uncertainty and become even more resourceful.
The more variety (uncertainty) and unpredictability you can enjoy, the more success you’ll have.
Certainty and variety can be contradictory. You must find a way to balance the two.
Significance
The need for significance can be met through our egos, which is tiresome and grating on others. The need for significance can be met through service to others and giving. It can be met through doing something that you’re proud of, through blaming someone, through yelling. There are lots of ways to meet this need, some harmful and some helpful.
If you blame others for your mess, you’re meeting your need for significance. If you take responsibility for the mess, you’re also meeting your need for significance. Both accomplish meeting the need, one is resourceful, the other is not.
You can meet your need for significance through being a leader, solving problems, serving others, facing challenges. And you can meet it through blaming others, yelling and sulking.
Meeting the need for significance can cause trouble in truly connecting with others because if we focus on comparing ourselves to others or raise our standards, we set ourselves apart, leaving little room for connection. Creating significance whilst maintaining relationships is an art.
Love and Connection
We all need to feel connected in some way. It might be through your immediate family or it could be through friendship or a community to which you belong. This is one of the most common primary needs, and is often met in the least resourceful manners. We may get this need met through a relationship, through meditation, exercise, hiking, praying, writing, talking. Or we could get it through smoking, drinking, arguing.
Significance and Love and Connection can be contradictory. You must find a way to balance the two.
Growth
When we grow and evolve as a human being, we feel good about ourselves, our self-worth goes up, our confidence builds, we feel more certainty, we’re experiencing more variety, we’re feeling good (significant).
If we’re not growing, we feel we’re shrinking, and we could feel we’re ‘in a rut’. We all need to grow in some way, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. We must nurture all elements of our lives - money, health, relationship, happiness and love to ensure constant growth, development and expansion otherwise they will degenerate.
Contribution
Contribution is very powerful and capable way of satisfying all other 5 needs. This may be contribution to a cause, leaving a mark on the world, donating money or time to charity, writing a book or simply helping others.
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If any behaviour that you elicit meets at least three of your needs, you become addicted to that behaviour. You will keep doing it, even if it hurts you, because it’s meeting your needs. We get addicted to certain behaviours because they meet our needs. We give up behaviours if they no longer meet our needs.
If you complain about other people (significance), avoid taking responsibility (certainty) and get overly emotional about problems (connection) – you’re going to meet three needs. You will become addicted to that pattern of behaviour unless you become aware of how it’s meeting your needs and then find alternative behaviours that will meet those needs in a more resourceful and functional way.
If you love leading others (certainty of self, variety, significance, connection) and taking responsibility for results (certainty of self, variety, significance) you’ll keep leading.
Within a relationship, when you satisfy two of the needs of the other person you have a connection, if you satisfy 4 you have a strong attachment and if you satisfy all six you are permanently bonded.
Things to think about:
· What are your two primary core needs? If you’re unsure, ask yourself ‘what is life about?’ If it’s about relationships, you have a need for love and connection. If it’s about leaving your mark on the world, that’s significance. If it’s about finding peace, you have a strong need for certainty and if life is a box of chocolates, you love uncertainty!
· How do you satisfy your two primary needs?
· How well are each of your needs satisfied out of 10?
· In what ways do you satisfy your needs in unproductive ways?
· What will you do to ensure you satisfy your needs more resourcefully?
· If you are in a relationship, how can you help your partner to satisfy their needs more resourcefully? If you’re not sure, just ask them.