When we think of the key contributors to relationship breakdown we think poor communication, lack of intimacy, unshared values and interests and constant fighting. My clients often list at least a few of these, if not more and wonder where on earth they’re going to start fixing it all.
You might be surprised to hear that the solution to pretty much all relationship issues is the same thing. Which is lucky for me as a relationship coach because I only have to focus on one thing, and the rest tends to take care of itself.
What is this ONE thing you ask? It all comes down to stress. Once couples truly understand the impact stress has on their relationship, recognise the ways in which it plays out between them, and commit to finding ways to eliminate, reduce or manage their stress, their relationship goes ahead in leaps and bounds.
When our stress response is triggered we go into fight, flight, freeze or fawn mode. Fighting, obviously, leads to arguments and poor communication. When we ‘fly’ we either physically leave or we emotionally withdraw. When we freeze our mind goes blank and fawning is when we set aside our needs in order to avoid conflict. You can see how each of these responses to stress can lead to poor communication and lack of intimacy. And how this lack of communication can prevent the sharing of interests and lead again into more fighting. The other thing that happens when our stress response is triggered is that we become very defensive (in order to fight of the potential threat), which means we’re not open to new ideas or perspectives on a situation.
This is why I tell my clients never to attempt a resolution if they’re stressed as it is simply not biologically possible.
Although this is quite an easy concept to understand, what people struggle with the most is recognising when their stress response has been triggered. I think we under estimate the stress that we are exposed to, thinking that the signs of stress are panic attacks, feelings of overwhelm, a rapid heart rate and short breath. This is extreme stress, yet mild stress can also trigger such impacts on our relationship. It may just be that you are slightly withdrawn from your partner. Or you don’t feel like talking about ‘it’ and instead sweep ‘it’ under the carpet. Perhaps you just don’t feel like kissing them goodbye, or holding their hand like you used to.
Unfortunately, these little stresses can build up and build up until you do experience a big outburst or fighting or complete withdrawal. The interesting thing is, it’s not always stress within the relationship that causes the stress on the relationship. You may have had a major fight with your best friend or been demoted at work or maybe you have an ill parent. If you don’t address this stress, (and especially if your partner doesn’t support you through it) it’s still operating within you while you’re at home so you might pick a fight with your partner, or remain withdrawn from them.
And the biggest stress on most relationships is trapped emotional baggage, which should be managed through therapy for the sake of your relationship.
So ,the solution to most relationship issues, is in fact: RELAXATION. This happens when the stress response is switched off. In this state, we are no longer defensive and are more able to access and use our logical brain. We are better at understanding another’s perspective. We have greater access to creativity and imagination, which helps us come up with solutions. And our hearts are open so we become more compassionate, loving and joyful.
I’m not speaking about relaxing prior to sorting out a big argument. I’m talking about regularly exercising your relaxation muscle so the big arguments don’t occur in the first place.
It’s time our culture gave more esteem to the benefits of taking care of ourselves emotionally, rather than ‘toughing out’ the stress, which essentially means ignoring it, because it has vast detrimental effects on our relationships. Options include socialising with friends and family (who help you relax!), regular massage, reading books, meditation, yoga, exercise, time in nature, music or spending time with a pet.
Things to give thought to this week:
- In what ways does stress affect my relationship?
- What triggers your stress response the most? Is it your partner, your work, your family, anything else?
- Become more aware of how you respond when you are stressed, for example, do you become aggressive, withdrawn, a people pleaser or just brain dead?
- What are some ways in which you can incorporate more relaxation into your life?