How frustrating is it when you tell your partner something over and over again and they still don’t get it? It could be years before it sinks in. The reason why couples fail to understand each other at times isn’t just due to the biological difference between the way male and female brains are put together. There are differences in experiences, values, beliefs and personalities. The better you know yourself, the more information you have to communicate to your partner about who you are and what makes you tick. Don’t assume that your partner should just ‘know’ you because they love you. People usually see you through their own eyes and from their own perspective rather than through yours, because it’s just what they know best. If you want to communicate to your partner what’s important to you, you have to speak to them in their language and from their perspective and in doing so, they will begin to see you from your point of view. 

Have you ever found yourself poking along just fine in your relationship, happy as Larry, and then suddenly something happens, and you erupt, or withdraw, or do something really, really dumb? And you think, “Where did THAT come from?”

It’s really important to know yourself well so that when emotions are triggered within your relationship you know the reasons and are therefore better equipped to deal with them in a manner that won’t damage, but instead strengthen your relationship. 

A good partnership can be one of the most rewarding experiences in life. And a bad one has the potential to cause long term issues. So how can you attract a partner that’s right for you? The best place to start is with the end in mind. What does your ideal relationship look like?

People tend to manage their anger in one of two ways when they’re stressed. Either they suppress the anger and withdraw which can often lead to depression or they blow their lid. The reason we have trouble managing our anger when we’re stressed is because stress can affect higher thinking. In caveman terms, when we have to run for our life, energy is taken from the part of our brain that’s capable of logic and reason. Without this part of our brain we don’t process the anger effectively, so it gets either pushed down, which can lead to health issues down the road or explodes which may result in further emotional and relational issues later on. Today we’re going to look at ways of avoiding anger and then ways to manage it if it does pop up.

There are three types of stress that we experience throughout our lives. Chemical, physical and Emotional. Chemical stresses are things like air pollution, water contaminants, the chemicals in our food, smoking, excessive alcohol intake, medication and toxic chemicals in cleaning products. Physical stress can be caused by serious injury, sitting for long periods, repetitive lifting and bending, a full-time athletic schedule or the physical demands of parenting. Emotional stress can be instigated by work, family, relationships, parenting, feelings of isolation, financial strain and keeping up with the Joneses and general life pressures.

The emotional memories connected to traumatic experiences have the potential to infiltrate every aspect of our lives and at times can be quite debilitating. Traumatic experiences may have been caused by physical or mental abuse, loss of a loved one, breakdown of relationships, serious injury or war. People suffering from traumatic experiences may withdraw from others, making them feel very isolated and lonely. They may suffer from mood swings and irritability, anger, or feelings of hopelessness. They may have unwelcomed intrusive memories. The constant state of stress that they may experience puts pressure on their immune system which may lead to significant health issues. You may be in denial or even experience some degree of guilt over the incident. Trauma isn’t something you have to live with though. 

What do you fear? Not being good enough, not being loved, not belonging and being alone? It may be failure, success, being too fat, being too thin, being too friendly, not being friendly enough, being too lazy, working too hard. You may fear spiders, snakes, public speaking, even death. Maybe it’s the creepy old man down the end of the street, your fifth-grade teacher who you sometimes still bump into down at the shops. 

Fear, as irrational or logical as it may be can be paralysing. It can waste your time and energy, cause you emotional distress, make you doubt yourself. It can ruin relationships. It can prevent you from living the life you truly want. Fear is insidious. It’s sneaky. And it can affect you without you even being aware of it. 

However, whatever it is that you fear, if you want to overcome the fear, you can. 

People with high confidence take criticism constructively, take calculated risks with less fear, back themselves in a discussion, learn from their mistakes, can take a compliment, have a positive outlook on life and do what they think is right despite the opinions of others.

The most important factor in increasing your confidence is knowing yourself. If you know who you are (your identity), know what you want (values) and employ your own set of rules to live by (beliefs) you will be certain to have strong levels of confidence.

Self-esteem refers to the value we put on ourselves, our self-worth or self-respect. Low self-esteem results in a lack of confidence and feeling that you don’t have certain abilities (even though you do). It can cause people to freeze, leaving them stuck in their current circumstances, unable to move forward and achieve their life goals. In some cases, it can lead to depression. Once your self-esteem increases, you’ll feel as though your opinions are worthy of being expressed, you won’t feel out of place in social situations, you’ll have more faith in your ability to achieve your goals and you’ll feel more enthusiastic and less hesitant to participate in life generally. 

After having kids and the initial novelty as well as the sleepless haze wares off, you emerge from the tunnel of satisfying everyone else’s needs and realise that the person you were before the chaos no longer exists. You try to get back out there by doing the things you used to love but you feel out of place. Your needs have changed, your likes and dislikes have changed, and it’s time to get to know yourself all over again. “But didn’t I do that in my 20s? I thought all that was behind me!”  Sorry kid, you won’t stop learning and growing till you die. Of course parenthood has changed you! How couldn’t it have. You’ve trained yourself to supress your needs, you’ve had to sacrifice parts of your identity in order to serve your offspring. And you did it willingly. But where to now?