How frustrating is it when you tell your partner something over and over again and they still don’t get it? It could be years before it sinks in. The reason why couples fail to understand each other at times isn’t just due to the biological difference between the way male and female brains are put together. There are differences in experiences, values, beliefs and personalities. The better you know yourself, the more information you have to communicate to your partner about who you are and what makes you tick. Don’t assume that your partner should just ‘know’ you because they love you. People usually see you through their own eyes and from their own perspective rather than through yours, because it’s just what they know best. If you want to communicate to your partner what’s important to you, you have to speak to them in their language and from their perspective and in doing so, they will begin to see you from your point of view.
Through the study of various personality and behavioural models and through my own observations and experiences I have put together the Behavioural Orientation Model. It allows you to genuinely explore the motivation behind behaviour. All of us use all of the behaviours at times, however we tend to feel more comfortable with one or two and therefore use them more frequently. I have found that a person’s ability to flex easily between all of the behaviours results in greater success in life as they are more able to use the appropriate behaviour for a given task. There are four primary behaviours, which are:
a) Outcome oriented
b) Socially oriented
c) Peace oriented
d) Quality oriented
Outcome Oriented
The best thing about being an outcome oriented behaviourist is your ability to simply get the job done. You absolutely love a challenge and have the energy to see it through to the end…eventually. Although you do have a tendency to take on more than you can manage in a given time period and lack a good perception of time. You are innovative, a great problem solvers, make decisions quickly and are self-motivated. You seek possibility and can see the big picture.
Given that you are so focussed on the completion of a task you often fail to take the feelings of others into consideration and therefore come across at times as tactless and insensitive, although that isn’t your intension.
Your core needs are certainty and significance, which are driven by your need to win.
When under pressure, anger isn’t far from the surface, and the ego tends to shine through.
Identifying Outcome Oriented Behaviour in yourself
- Many projects on the go
- Persistent and determined
- Adventuresome and daring
- Competitive
- High energy – will probably exhaust you if you have high P and Q tendencies
- Talks about the future
- Difficulty managing anger
Things to be aware of if you use high levels of Outcome Behaviour
- Make a genuine effort not to offend the more sensitive people in your life
- Don’t get so consumed in your work that you have little time for your loved ones
- Don’t be too critical or set your standards too high
- Don’t compete with your loved ones and let them win from time to time
- Learn to manage your anger
Socially Oriented
Do you love to talk, and talk, and talk? Or bump into at least five people you know whenever you’re out? Chances are you’re using socially oriented behaviour most of the time. You have huge amounts of energy and love to spend it on others. Naturally extroverted you are confident, charming, enthusiastic, and inspiring. With your great intuition for human relationships you’re an excellent negotiator, easily influencing and convincing others of their ideas.
However, you lack attention to detail, can be unrealistic and become easily distracted. You trust others a little too often, can be flippant and lack loyalty.
You seek constant variety and are driven by connection and a strong need to be liked.
Identifying Socially Oriented Behaviour in yourself
- Social butterfly
- Loves bright colours, sparkles, new things
- Rotating door of ‘best friends’
- Extremely trusting to the point of being gullible
- Popular
- Optimistic
- Energetic
- Gets bored easily
Things to be aware of if you use high levels of Social Behaviour
- Develop your listening skills
- You love to have fun, this is a great gift for your relationships
- Give space to the lower energy people in your life as you may overwhelm them at times
- Be aware that in times of stress your over-optimism may get in the way of seeing the real truth of a matter and therefore identifying what needs to be done
Peace Oriented
Do people regularly ask you for favours and tell you secrets? Driven by a need for peace and calm you use the most reliable and trustworthy of behaviours. And in order to achieve this goal you develop a great ability to see things from all perspectives and therefore make a great diplomat. Unfortunately, being able to understand all sides of a story means you sometimes have trouble making decisions. You’re a great listener, are friendly, relaxed, understanding and sincere. You’re a typical mother hen.
You tend to be process oriented in your thinking and depend on a predictable environment in order to keep the peace. When you feel overwhelmed you are more likely to withdraw rather then get emotional. Although if you’re too overwhelmed, you just explode!
Your core needs are certainty and love and connection, driven by a need for comfort and connection.
Identifying Peace Oriented Behaviour in yourself
- Calm, gentle temperament
- Generous, reliable and kind
- Patient
- Hates conflict
Things to be aware of if you use high levels of Peace Behaviour
- Your patience and listening skills are invaluable to the health of your relationships, don’t underestimate this skill that comes so easily to you
- Use your organisational skills to put systems into place so that life moves more smoothly
- Don’t let others walk over you for the sake of keeping the peace, think about what needs to be done now for the benefit of the future and use this to motivate you through any conflicts
Quality Oriented
Do people mistake you for a typical tech-head geek? Chances are you come across this way because you are driven by a passion for precision and quality. You have great attention to detail. You are highly conscientious, maintain high standards and are a great problem solver. You, like your outcome oriented counterparts are driven by a need to be right, although yours is based on precision rather than a need to win. You can get caught up in the detail, which sometimes bores and frustrates others. Although quality motivated behaviourists can seem aloof and unemotional, the expression “still waters run deep” was likely used to describe one. You are deeply and privately emotional. You wear their heart deep within rather than on your sleeve.
Your core needs are certainty and significance, driven by a need to be precise.
Identifying Quality Oriented Behaviour in yourself
- Seeks detail, asks ‘why’ all too often
- Great problem solver
- Introverted
- Organised
- Patient
- Loyal
- Perfectionist
- Not particularly affectionate
- Can be quite pessimistic and critical
Things to be aware of if you use high levels of Quality Behaviour
- Sometimes you won’t get things right but don’t let this stop you from being the person you want to be
- Learn to manage your fear
- Don’t be picky or overly critical of others
- Practise optimism and let go of your pessimistic tendencies
Once you have a better understanding of how your own behaviour is motivated, you will be able to communicate this to your partner so that they understand you better too. Next time, we will look at how you can apply this information to understanding your partner better. In turn, once you understand them more, they will understand you better still.
Things to give thought to this week:
· Heighten your awareness this week of what motivates your behaviour? Do you use more Outcome, Social, Peace or Quality Oriented Behaviour?
· Review the points of “Things to be aware of” if you use high levels of a particular behaviour. What behaviour changes can you implement to make your behaviour choices more flexible and balanced?
· Think about how you can present this new found information to your partner so that they can understand you better.