It’s no secret that most couples fight. And if they’re not verbally arguing, they’re withdrawn and disconnected from one another. And if a couple can’t find ways to resolve the conflict, not only does the resentment build but the love begins to fade and so does the trust. However, once you learn how to effectively resolve conflict, you will not only be fighting less (or not at all) and keeping the peace, you’re going to naturally develop deeper levels of connection, intimacy and trust.
Although the topic that you’re arguing about it different from couple to couple, the deeper reasons behind choosing to argue rather than simply talk it through are generally the same. We’re going to look now at some of the underlying reasons why couples fight.
The biggest cause of conflict in a relationship is the triggering of stored emotions. You may have had an experience when you were younger, from a previous romantic relationship or the relationship you had with a parent that was quite upsetting for you. If you were unable to process that emotion (usually this happens when we don’t feel that we’re in a safe place to process it) you may have stored it in your body, and then when someone does something that sparks a similar emotional response in you, the old emotion comes up in an effort to be processed and you find yourself over-reacting. For example, when you were 8 years old your dad left your mum and he never said goodbye to you. This made you really angry, but your mum was so devastated and hurt that you felt you had to supress your anger because you didn’t want to make the situation any harder for you mum. Then, years later, your partner goes to take the dogs for a walk around the block and neglects to tell you where they’re going because you’re in the shower. By the time they get back you’re utterly infuriated and feel as though you’re about to explode. When your partner tries to explain themselves you just get even angrier. They then get defensive and the argument escalates. So, although it seems the argument is about the incident that’s just happened, it’s actually been caused by something that may have happened 20 years earlier, because if that didn’t happen, you probably would have just figured out where your partner had gone when you realised the dogs were missing. This is why it’s so important to clear all your negative emotions from past unpleasant experiences. EFT Tapping can do this very effectively. If you want to learn more, see my previous blog posts.
Another big reason couples disconnect from one another is due to misaligned values and goals. Values are the emotional experiences that a person wants to have on a regular basis, such as joy, peace, stability, adventure, health etc. And goals are the things you choose to do to experience those values. If one partner wants one thing and the other wants another, conflict arises over who gets their way. Once a couple finds values that they have in common or can identify goals that can satisfy each partner’s values, conflict tends to diminish. When a couple whose values aren’t aligned have kids, they find the conflict tends to escalate even more.
Unmet needs are another reason for conflict. We often have needs of which we aren’t even conscious until we give it a lot of thought. Most people have a need for security, variety, significance, love and connection and don’t even know it. We might feel like we’re hard done by but can’t put our finger on it so we pick a fight with our partner because we feel unsatisfied, but we don’t really know what it is we want. Understanding and exploring your underlying needs is really important in order to avoid conflict because you can express your needs to your partner and they can respond by helping to fulfil that need. Misunderstanding the different needs of men and women is also important. Where men need to be appreciated, women just have a deep need to be understood. When a man makes the mistake of appreciating his woman, or a women seeks to understand her man, conflict can arise because neither of them are having their needs met.
When someone in a relationship feels unloved, this can also cause massive conflict. You partner might tell you all the time that they love you but you just don’t buy it. This might be because you have a different love language, such as quality time and therefore only feel loved when your partner spends time with you, and not when they tell you. The five love languages are quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch and gift giving. Once you learn what your language is, share this with your partner so they can love you in your way in order to reduce the conflict.
Finally, massive conflict can come from our egos. Our ego has a need to preserve our individual identity and when anything threatens to change this, our ego becomes defensive and rejects new ideas. Of course, if a relationship is to succeed, the individuals in that relationship must concede some of their ideas in order to work as a team. The ego doesn’t like this and will try to fight it, but you must stay focussed on what’s right for the relationship.
When conflict arises, follow the steps below to reach a resolution.
1. Stop the arguing and walk away
2. Each partner is to calm down in their own space in a way that works for you
3. Re-connect from a calm, loving space
4. Communicate calmly from each person’s perspective exploring the underlying reasons for your triggering
5. Find a solution to the conflict
Ideas to explore further:
- Consider your underlying needs when you feel your partner has done you wrong
- Figure out your love language
- Align your values and goals with your partner’s
- Identify any stored emotional baggage that’s getting triggered by your partner