Christmas is a wonderful time of year! We get to rest guilt-free, eat whatever we want, get new shinny things and spend quality time with our loved ones. Or do we?
For so many of us, Christmas is actually a really stressful time because of the tension within our families. For some it’s directly with family members, or it could be with the in-laws. And for others they’re just the turkey in the Boxing Day sandwich, hoping that their love will be big enough to make those around them just put their issues aside for the day.
So, with the insight drawn from the experiences of many clients, I’ve formulated the following cyclone kit to avoid Christmas dinner exploding like a faulty bon-bon.
The main reason for tension at Christmas can be summarised with one word – Ego.
The main job of the ego is to ensure the survival of your identity as an individual. And the best way the ego knows how to do this is to avoid change. It doesn’t want your ideas, your beliefs, your opinions to change because this threatens its sense of who you are. The ego’s mantra is “better the devil you know”. And what’s the one thing that threatens individuality more than anything? Togetherness and connection. (By the way, the ego is familiar with the connection you have with your immediate family so it can deal with that, just how is a story for another day).
One way in which we have healthy relationships is to relate to one another, to understand and be compassionate, to be open to new ideas. The ego doesn’t like this, so it freaks out. And it’s a cheeky little critter, disguising itself in many different masks.
It could express itself by being an outspoken show-off, the classic loud-mouthed gloat. But then there’s the martyr who refuses to take a compliment and puts everyone else’s needs first. These people play the victim and although they’re putting the focus on others by helping them, they take their power away and are controlling in an unobtrusive almost sneaky way. There’s the anxious or passive aggressive ego who always fears what could go wrong, using it to resist change and just withdrawing from the festivities. Then there’s the intellectual ego who thinks very rationally and can always find a logical reason to resist change. They use their intellect to put the opinions of others down, always taking the higher ground.
So how is it that families are one of the strongest triggers to kick the ego into action? Think about it. Your parents had more influence on you as a child than probably anyone. Despite having grown up and decided who you want to be for yourself, the ego still sees parents as a threat to change or influence. So, it puts its hackles up in order to protect your identity. I mean, we don’t want to become our parents, do we?! So, our ego fights for our individuality.
As for siblings, if we’ve ended up different to them, our competitive habits from childhood kick in and our ego sets about proving we’re the worthiest of praise, or worst still, love.
And when it comes to the in-laws, well they have a chance to influence and change our partner and even our kids, which has the potential to rock the steady familiar connection we have within our immediate family.
So how do we manage our egos? Here’s a few tips and tricks as we move deeper into the silly season:
1. Learn to recognise when the ego is fighting for your identity and the different disguises it wears. When you feel triggered, ask yourself “Is this my ego being resistant to change or do I genuinely need to fight for this?”
2. Choose connection over identity protection (this becomes easier the better you know yourself, your beliefs and values because they can’t be shaken as easily).
3. Have a chat with your ego. Tell it “Thank you for protecting my identity, you’re doing a great job, but right now, I’ve got this” And promptly put it back in its box.
4. Acknowledge that the ego might be at work in some of your family members and forgive them for this, knowing that it’s just because they’re trying desperately to connect with you too.
