Understanding Emotional Triggers in Men and Women

It’s the similarities in a relationship that make it work. However, it’s the differences that ignite the passion. Two people in a relationship are like magnets. They can attract or repel. Understanding this and managing it can be crucial to the survival of a relationship. Now the two poles are male energy and female energy. All men and women possess each one, but one is more of a dominant force than the other in an individual. It’s possible for a woman to have more masculine energy than feminine and for a man to have more feminine energy. Characteristics of masculine energy are:

-      One focus

-      High confidence

-      Task focussed

-      Concentration

-      Analytical, assertive, logical

-      Impatient

-      Wants to be needed

-      Hunt, pursue and chase

-      Thrives on appreciation

Characteristics of feminine energy are:

-      Seen, safe, understood (won’t let go of something emotionally until she feels understood

-      Feels and sees multiple things at once

-      Deep need to share and connect

-      Nurturing

-      Desires to be sought after, pursued and honoured

When under stress, people have a tendency to wear the opposite energy. A male will wear the opposite mask if criticized or controlled. A woman will wear the opposite mask if she feels vulnerable or disconnected from her loved ones.

Now, it’s becoming reasonably general knowledge that men are great at focussing on one thing (that’s the hunter in them) and women are great at multitasking (gathering and cooking and watching out for children and talking and sewing and anything else that isn’t hunting).

It’s also becoming general knowledge that more men than women have a deep need for significance and appreciation. If his partner says something to threaten that or take it away, she will probably trigger anger or withdrawal. Men also have a great need to provide security to their family, so again, if this is challenged, flames may spark. Men also have a great need to be appreciated. So, if you fail to acknowledge him or take him for granted, consider the trigger pulled.

And, it’s also reasonably general knowledge that every now and then women go bonkers. Let me blow your mind by telling you why. This will rock your world. Given that we’ve been around for millions of years and have been ‘advanced’ for just a fraction of these, it makes sense that a lot of our instincts and natural tendencies are still present from primal days. Imagine this, you’re a primal woman (yes, men, I want you to imagine this too). You’re looking for a primal man to multiply with. How do you make your choice? You test. You challenge. And today, women still have the need to test the fitness of their partner. Are they strong enough? Can they provide? Will they be there for me in my hour of need? Do they love me no matter what? Hang on, I’m not sure I got those last couple quite right. Will they be there in my child’s hour of need? Will they love them no matter what? I’m sure the men reading this now are still back at the part where I said, “every now and then women go bonkers”, nodding and grinning. It’s time for you to catch up and listen. I know a woman’s mood can be illogical at times, but do you know why? Let me make sense of the nonsensical. A woman’s love for her child goes beyond all reason. She will kill, she will die, she will do whatever is necessary for her child. She is consumed, possessed by the love she has for her children. What makes her child any more valuable than anyone else’s? Well because it’s hers, of course! And given that she isn’t as physically strong or as physically capable of providing for them as men, she needs to find the best man for the job. Is she willing to settle for second best? No way! So, she tests him, again and again and again. 


Seems pretty logical to me. 


So men, when you’ve triggered the unknown in your woman, she’s probably testing you. She’s feeling vulnerable and misunderstood. You have to do anything and often everything to prove yourself, to prove your love. And your message must always be “I’m here for you, I love you.” She’ll rant and rave and bring up that Christmas 6 years ago when you sided with your mum in a game of trivial pursuit and your job is to say “You’re right, I’m here for you, I love you.” Which essentially means, “I will protect you and the kids from the sabre tooth tiger, no matter what it takes, even if I have to sacrifice my life, because the kids are worth it and they need you because you’re the best mother that ever lived”, or something along those lines. 

Women, when you’ve unwittingly triggered something in your man, and find him getting angry or withdrawing, think about whether you’ve inadvertently threatened his significance, confidence or ability to provide. If you have you must find ways to undo what you’ve done. Make him feel significant again by finding ways to boost his confidence and appreciate him for the things he does for you.

Men, when you’ve activated the ‘TEST’ sequence in your partner, remember: Just love and love and love and stand strong still the storm passes, as only a man can. 


Things to give thought to this week:

·     Re-read this blog a few times until you get it, it’s really important to understand this dynamic. Do you use more feminine energy or more masculine energy? What are the key things that trigger feminine/masculine emotional responses in you?

·     Think about times in the past where you’ve triggered an emotional response in your partner. Could you have threatened your man’s significance, confidence or ability to provide? Or have you made your woman feel vulnerable or disconnected? If so, make amends.

·     Share this with your partner so that you can understand the polarity balance between you.